Thursday, January 03, 2008

Throughout my spiritual journey I've bumped
up against the challenges of forgiving.
Just before the holidays in December 1985
I had an experience with forgiveness that
changed my life.

I'd been divorced for six years when I wrote
my ex, Byll, asking for copies of movies we'd
made during our marriage. He wrote back that
he'd decided not to send the movies. I was
shocked. I wrote again, making sure to point
out, (with an attitude) that I thought he'd
understand that I wanted to see the movies of
my dad who'd died. His next letter again said
"No." I thought - this guy has a problem!

Months passed. During a workshop I attended
on forgiveness, we were instructed to close
our eyes and imagine a person we needed to
forgive. Byll appeared. I could hear my
ego-mind say, "I forgive you for having an
affair, and for being unavailable when my
father was dying." Then I heard another voice,
coming straight from my heart, and saying:
"I forgive you for loving me." I was stunned.
I knew this was the profound truth beneath
all the obvious reasons I'd been angry
with him.

In order for me to have accepted his love,
I had to first love myself, and I hadn't.
During our marriage I had projected all my
self-loathing onto him.

Ten days later I was in a supermarket in New
Hampshire, where we'd lived while we were
married. Suddenly I knew Byll was in
the store. We said hello. He asked if I'd
received the movies he'd sent ten days ago!
When I truly forgave Byll for loving me,
and ultimately forgave myself for believing
that I wasn't worthy of love, the movies I
desired of our loving memories together,
were freely given.

4 by Susyn

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